Confession #2: I Hate Paolini

Christopher Paolini? What a twat. I mean, no joke–who does this guy think he is? I first heard about Eragon in 2006, whilst in the cinema waiting impatiently for a film to start (taking considerably longer this time, might I add) when the word ‘Eragon’ appeared in the screen. My first thought? ‘Aragorn’. I thought, alright, let’s give this thing a chance. As I sat on my seat, watching this so-called ‘Eragon’ trailer I slowly sank down, almost screaming out Tolkien, Tolkien! as loud as I could. All I gathered was that it was something to do with a farm boy who conveniently-magically becomes some clichéd ‘dragon rider’ (that bit made me cringe) and save the day.

Oh.

Well, my friends wanted to see so I thought, don’t judge a book by its cover. Two hours later, I realised that phrase only worked for books. It made me feel physically sick, feeling the need to run off home and turn on Star Wars, then note down the endless list of similarities. But, if anything, I am a merciful man and braved the horrors of the ‘Eragon’ book, after discovering its connection with the film. After twenty pages I had learnt something about an elf, who had been chased by a shade. Oh ye, she conveniently sent a magical egg over to handsome farm boy named ‘Eragon’. I mean, any book named after the fantastical main character? It works brilliantly for Harry Potter because it’s no fantasy name, it’s a down-to-earth fantasy (if there ever was one) but Eragon on the other hand? No.

Just no.

I eventually managed to read 100 pages. I threw the book down, almost grabbing my pair of compasses and stabbing it, before throwing it out of the window into a bonfire. ‘Twas merely an evil take on Star Wars, set in Middle-Earth and no more. I saw the name–Christopher Paolini? I thought. First impressions?

Something like this:

You know, depraved old man feeding the ducks? Guy going through mid-life crisis, thinking writing some crappy novel will save him? But then, without typing him in on Google Images I thought young, immature wannabe Tolkien. Again, I was so very very wrong:

25 year-old immature kid? Umm… ye. Like he spent all day everyday writing into some tacky bound book in a load of dead weeds. I have got nothing against young writers–not only am I one, but I have been part of a young writing community for several months and my dog is misguided. No… that doesn’t even cover it. His work stinks of plagiarism and immaturity.

When I told one of my friends at school I was writing a novel, I can imagine the first thing to come into their mind would be magical deus ex machina dragon high fantasy world parallel to Middle-Earth. He made a  rather stupid comment that I can’t hate Paolini, since I would be a hypocrite! I don’t hate Paolini because of his age! I admire him for that–I just hate what he writes and generally, how he manipulates his fans into thinking he is the writer of original fantasy. See, I don’t focus my world around the fantasy, I focus the fantasy around the story, meaning, it could quite easily be set in a modern day, but I chose not to–the freedom of fantasy is just too great. However, I, like Tolkien and unlike Paolini will not abuse it.

Now, assuming there won’t be a rebellion when the world finds out, there will, yes will be a film for Eldest. This remains a rumour, but this type of crap never stays away from the box office. In my shock I managed to find this ‘teaser’ for it on YouTube:

Now, that was only a teaser and was made by a fan, but if you like at 0:18 you will see Lothlorien. Just shows how even the most deluded of fans can see the Lord of the Rings content in Eragon!

Not only is Paolini a self-loving, smug freak but he has convinced himself that he has written a book worthy of future literature for the next millennium. Sure if it survives the decade he might be put on ‘neighbour’s from hell’ but for now? Let’s get him rehab. Not only that either, but his parents published his books for him, since he knew neither an agent nor a publisher would think twice about binning his manuscript. Ever writer has been where he has–in terms of muse, anyway. We all go through that epic-rewrite phase, it’s just that few us have the guts to feed it to other people in exchange for poorly-built muse money.

People say to one another if it is at all right that one writer criticises another. Yes, otherwise we never learn. But is it right to attack another one? I say no because there is no attack in that–it is truth, and he is no writer.

Confession #1 – Words Saved Me

Writers have ever sought to teach us their many fabulous ways of the pen, through yes, you’ve guessed it: quotes. I hope to take a look at what some of the most inspirational figures of writing have told us, and how we can relate with them. Never have our stories only needed one, two or even a thousand things. A story is like homework, it never ends.

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Determination:

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise.  The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” ~Sylvia Plath

Sylvia Plath offers us something very clear: determination. If you have no self-confidence, I am sorry, but you may as well not bother. Think of it like a plant:

Flower = Writing Style, they can be wonderful and provide interest, making something boring, beautiful.

Stem = Plot, it holds the structure together, without it there would be no plant, no story.

Leaves = Characters, they feed the story, but too many can ruin and overcrowd it.

Roots = Determination, it is all very well having hundreds of wonderful plants, colourful and majestic, but if the roots are dead, it will never flourish. The water flows through it, the flower thriving because of it, namely determination.

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Don’t think, just write:

“I’m not a very good writer, but I’m an excellent rewriter.”  ~James Michener

It may be the case, that some people can write symphonies without thinking, but more so the fact that we can beat them by using a brain. There is no point worrying about how bad you’re writing is, first time you stick it down on paper. I mean, think about it. Your first draft is always appalling, or rather, never as good as the second draft. It takes far more focus and determination to finish the first draft, than to rewrite it. It is like a house; get the bricks into place before you paint it.

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Show, don’t tell:

“Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.”  ~Anton Chekhov

How many times have you been told to show us what is going on? This is where it gets controversial. Think of two writers; let’s say William Wordsworth and J.R.R Tolkien. Wordsworth’s main character will roar with cries in his poems, struggling with the grief-storms of modern day horrors, whereas Frodo, weeps. Yet they are both fantastic, because they get across their meaning so fantastically with pen and paper. What works for you? I wish I could help you more than that, but from there, it is up to you.

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Imagine:

“Write down the thoughts of the moment.  Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable.”  ~Francis Bacon

Just think about that. Your duty is to tell your heart, not your brain. If you want to have a go at that, try speedwriting, or just mumbling to yourself at the window. Sit on your bed, and recite the entire lot of your story to yourself. What sounds stupid, what’s irrelevant, and most importantly, what is missing? Through your reclusive ramblings you will find that you will be writing some things that actual surprise you. This twines in nicely with the Don’t think, just write quote. Some of the best stories written come from NaNoWriMo, where if you think, you lose!

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Ignore:

“Do not put statements in the negative form.
And don’t start sentences with a conjunction.
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a
great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
De-accession euphemisms.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Last, but not least, avoid clichés like the plague.”
~William Safire, “Great Rules of Writing”

Don’t you just love this one? The irony is so powerful here, and yet you read it, yes? I am a strong believer in this, and the fact that if you listen to all the people who have a go at you, saying Don’t do this it never works. Why? Because this is your story, and your flowers are individual to you. Otherwise, we might as well be numbers.

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To conclude:

There are so many people who seek to change what, when and how you write, but there is only one thing to it – only one thing to mix all those ingredients: you.