Maradonia and the Seven Bridges
Disgusting, no? I found the file where I saved the first forty pages at school, when I should have been revising – rather like now – and thus I offer you a few of my favourite parts. It’s too long to post it all here. In fact… I’ve set up a page with it all on, found here.
I don’t own any of it, so the copyright is entirely upon Gloria Tesch of Maradonia.com. I promise. It’s not my fault.
Anyway, lol at this:
…the feast was being prepared at the palace of ‘Apollyon, the King of the Evil Empire’
I kid you not. That is it. She so used italics and quotation marks. She so started a novel with elipses. She so called the Empire the “Evil Empire”.
I mean, what? Did Hitler say “Vote for Evil Nazis! Slaughtering your family with you in mind!”
… or maybe Stalin:
“All people are equal, but some are more equal than others, like you. Don’t vote and we come round to your houses and butcher you like dogs!”
No! It didn’t happen! That’s why we need to care. I feel sorry for this guy. I mean, everyone’s insulting him and he’s done nothing wrong, and now he’s got an army of psychopathic teenagers with knives (chavs) knocking on his door. I’m rooting for him.
This is not who I think should be the good guy in her novel:
Unless, of course, they have good reason. They don't.
Tesch also thinks that empires are ruled by kings. She also thinks that people vote for kings. In fact, so does Paolini. Notice the similarities?
And yes, this book was self-published. And not to have a dig at home-schooled people, but Tesch was. In other words, her lack of cohesion with society and the fact that her parents are practically controlling and brainwashing her, everything they say boosts her ego with fear of upsetting her. Same thing with Paolini, only he’s a good salesperson, regardless of his crap writing.
Oh, and how could I forget? Her alter ego, hotrussian101, who decided to swear at me and try some terrible insults, posted a video of her fighting some girl called Cassie. When I drew it to her attention, she took it down, obviously to avoid bad publicity. I shall post some her “insults”, lol.
Still in suspense?
Lookies here:
I’ll pick out some more exciting things in the video spork, which will be posted on here and YouTube! When it comes out. Of course. 
Oh, and guess what? I’m getting published! I submitted something for the YW Literary Journal back in February, and I got accepted! It’s only a short story, but I still felt great when I found out; ’tis called Burnt Sausages. I can’t wait! To see something that I wrote on paper, and I mean, like, book paper. 
I’ll post the link when it comes up for sale, and, if you want, you can buy it. Heh.
Sorry for the brief post once again! Just had some things I wanted to share. Heh. Oh, and no more exams for about a fortnight, methinks, so I have spare time.
Best,
Mark
Congrats on getting published, mate. I’m STILL trying to get my short story/ ghost story published (I’ve been trying for over two years!) Now, WHERE’S THAT VIDEO SPORK? It’s been three months now!
P.S: Do you have any transcripts of her cussing you out? I would love to read those.
Thanks! Best of luck with getting published!
Sorry for the wait. xD Basically, we’ve finally got the script together–we made one beforehand, but it was rubbish, so we’re doing one again over half-term (next week) and it’ll be much better.
Not brilliant, but hey!
And yes! I’ll compile all the random things she says. I’ll start that now.
Ah, here they are. Sorry for the length.
(From my YWS blog shoutout: )
gayasss mutha fucka
(My personal favourite: )
DEAR: ugly fat boy,
gloria tesch loved it when u criticized her story.
And++ how could you criticize a book which you NEVER read before??!?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and it was I who wrote that comment on ur stupid mutha fuckin page haha, ur one stupid lil gayass, i emailed it to her and she was laughin her ass off, cause criticism made her get $$$$monay . keep it comin
dnt get meh wrong child, her BOOK is phenomenal, her STORY is amazing! Not her grammer or spelling,
and+ she wrote the beginning when she was 11. you will be ashamed of yourself when you read her WHOLE book, and not the worst part of it shitbag
BTW~id love to see your fat jelly rollss flabber around in a parody of an upcoming motion picture film!!!! you will die of embarrassment!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
grow up! and learn that REAL criticism is helpful and not lil fat children shitin around makin stupid gayass videos. good luck on dat video shitbag. if I EVER see ur fatness around my neighborhood, ill make u shit your pants
worst wishes fatty,
Amanda
(Note: Amanda does not exist. This is Gloria. How do I know this? Well, firstly, she’s been spamming about herself on wikianswers with some garbage about how she thinks she’s the world’s youngest novelist. Oh, and she posted two comments on ImpishIdea, which have since been removed, one of which was her random swearing and the other her “civilised” self. She used the same email address. xD)
(Oh, and if she wants to see my “fat jelly rollss flabber around in a parody of an upcoming motion picture film” then she can watch my pole dance, but I’d rather she didn’t. *sigh* I guess that’ll have to go into the script.)
(Here is the reply to my reply to that message: )
you need to talk to the author buddy.
and btw~ur pics r all over ur blog.
remember ur lil gayass phrase “iz a pawot” and a pic of u and ur jellyrolls child.
u r a disgrace to da world!
fuck off nigguh.
im jus a reader wit a good taste in literature
( XD )
(Oh, and some more. These next two come from my YWS blog when first announced the video of awesomness: )
r u serious?!
u prolly anit got no lyff obese child
lol!
but anyways, one day when she famous, n all, you be embarressed lik shit.
im 17 year old and i think i know what im talkin bout here
(Obviously not.)
..so i suggest dat u dnt do it. if ur smart boy u will take it seriously so DONT DO IT MANN!!
no wait DO it Twisted Evil hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!
so u will die in embarressment!
(Again, good good.)
WOW! That’s really no way for an author to act. It makes her sound immature, pretentious, spoiled, intelligent and hateful. She should really take a few lessons from Pratchett, Jones, King and Leguin.
BTW, do you have a link to this YWS blog? Another thing: show her anti-shurtugal, amazon reviews of her book and this site:
http://www.rpgdreamersforum.com/index.php?showtopic=58413&st=0&start=0
Hah, good link. Amazon’s reviews are all 1 stars, and those who gave it five do, in fact, live near her. Amazing that.
Oh, and my blog on YWS is accessible by registered users, so I can only give you the links to the entries. Enjoy!
First:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/weblog_entry.php?POST_ENTRY_URL=30508
Second (in which things get fun):
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/weblog_entry.php?POST_ENTRY_URL=30584
Third (Not quite as interesting):
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/weblog_entry.php?POST_ENTRY_URL=30639
Congrats on getting published ;D
I also found the first forty pages:
http://maradonia.com/pdf/Maradonia_and_the_Seven_Bridges_E_Book.pdf
Apparently someone doesn’t know how to delete something from their own website <.<
Thank you. =]
And also for the link! I thought that she hadn’t deleted it! I found it a while ago but couldn’t remember how, and so I assumed it was gone. Hah.
If you read it, which I wouldn’t recommend, but anyway, you’ll notice that as the pictures get better, the writing sinks lower into doom.
OK, I did a little test. I copy-pasted her prologue into word. Her font font is 17.5! And the prologue is eight pages.
After resizing it to the proper 12 point font eight pages have dwindled to four. So, if my math is correct, if the font was the proper twelve point font, properly formated and the drawings were a lot smaller (they’re too big according to industry standards) her 800 page “masterpiece” would only be about 350-400 pages.
Gloria needs to read this:
http://www.ask.com/bar?q=who+is+the+world%27s+youngest+novelist&page=1&qsrc=0&ab=4&u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.parentdish.com%2F2006%2F11%2F22%2Fsix-year-old-boy-becomes-worlds-youngest-author%2F
Rocky, I applaud your detective skills. Rest assured, you are not alone. I too have come to this conclusion. I got one page and was able to put 4.1 pages of Maradonia in it. But, you are also forgetting the pictures. There are 90 half page illustrations, which make the book about 150 pages (normally). If Tesch wants to do this sort of thing to Swordbird, then surely I can do the same to her.
Oh yeah, I’m the guy who is working with Mark on the video spork. The script was mostly written by me, but it’s 26 pages. Man, I love to rant. So anyway, it’s gonna be big or edited, maybe both. But I’ve filmed the first 9 pages, so it’s over a third done. Svivality out.
Do what any director does: film like hours upon hours of content and then edit the stuff that does not work/mistakes/you guys laughing uncontrollably.
That’s the plan. If it becomes popular, then we might release unused footage. The only other option is to split the spork into parts. One long video on Youtube usually puts people off. But I can’t script hours. It would get to much and I don’t have the time. Plus my camera can only work for about an hour at a time, so many recharges would be necessary. But thanks for the support!
Also, thanks for the applause. I DO have an A.A.S in Journalism (and a B.A in English) and have written for my college newspaper (mostly game/movie reviews).
I showed two buddies who edit professionally the excerpt and here’s one comment (the other buddy mentions the other)
“Bland, awkward writing, too heavy on details and with no real focus. (the other friend) gives her good marks for grammar and punctuation. I say just fair. I’ll say this: the spelling seems okay.
As for her being the youngest author: erroneous. Ally Sheedy published a bestseller before she was a teenager, and I’m sure she wasn’t the youngest.
If I received this as a submission, I would turn it down with a form letter. If I knew she was in her teens, I would probably recommend that she continue writing for herself, but perhaps to wait until she’s taken some college-level classes on structure and plot before trying her hand again professionally.
As for self-publishing (because I’m assuming that’s what she’s done), any moron can do it.”
Oh yeah, it’s self published. On her blog is a load of pictures with makeshift stalls parading herself and her wares in any given location. Seriously, when’s the last time George Orwell sold books at his local flea market. Well, yes, he’s dead now, but he didn’t do it before, either.
I’m pretty sure she claimed that she was the youngest novelist. A little different than the youngest author. It’s still not true, but at the very least I think it shows she’s not a complete idiot.
On a somewhat related note, while searching around for the youngest author I saw mention of a 4 year old girl in DC who was published. The thing is, not a single article mentioned the name of the book or the author. Anyone heard of it?
Oh yeah, she claims that alright- she just doesn’t shut up about it! It’s funny to see what happens when you challenge that belief of hers on Wiki-answers.
And about that 4-year-old-I believe it’s called ‘How the World Began’. No clue as to what any page or word count is though.
Check this out:
http://community.livejournal.com/antishurtugal/344726.html
I love how she put “jealousy”as one of her tags.
I think that it’s because she thinks that we’re all jealous of her. She forgot to mention the required brain stem removing that such an act would require. By the way, are you Sanrock? And what’s a troll?
A troll, a troll!
Internet trolls, people who go round spamming or generally making an idiot of themselves trying to get across a point, and failing, through stupid methods.
Like spamming. Like Tesch. =)
Oh, and I did get your email, but this week’s been chaotic for me. I really thought I’d have some peace. And now it’s all revision until the exams on Thursday.
I’m not happy.
Yes, I’m sanrock (just click my name you’ll go directly to my livejournal).. And Mark answered your troll question.
Wow…I feel like such an idiot. Still, thank you for fending off Tesch on Anti, it’s funny to see her reactions. And Mark, thanks for the explanation. And yeah, this week’s been manic too. Filming might be a bit delayed for me, but hopefully not. The room I film in has just got cleared of all the stuff that was in it since Saturday, so not much filming has been done for me yet.
I love how pretentious she is:
http://maradonia.com/blog/
“Both of Gloria’s novels exceed more than 300,000 words. This automatically makes it gud. Cause I- er, I mean, she is awesome. A mainstream novel starts between fifty to fifty-five thousand words and publishers call basically every script under that length a short story or a novella. Because I need to back up my argument at any given opportunity.
The fact is: Nobody in the world has ever produced over 1,600 pages of exciting and throat gripping adventure in the form of two published novels with the age of 14 years. Many people have done more, but no, I’m the only one to do two.
Gloria is able with such a young age to straddle between the world of pure unfiltered bullshit and the world having an ego that is larger than Saturn and connects the ordinary, natural world with the crappy Mania rip-off with expected, cliché twists and with absolutely surprising results. In that it’s horrible.
Gloria Tesch was born on April 17, 1994 in San Diego, CA. The world hates this day. She is naturally a storyteller who crafts her garbage, cardboard cutouts and description-less places with no talent.
Everything Gloria writes glows with radiation. It’s so bad nature makes it radioactive to stop people reading it, as everybody who reads her books understands that Gloria’s imagination is never going to begin while she rips off so much Narnia.
One of Gloria’s many, many, many loads friends that she has because she is God wrote: ”Gloria’s new novel captivated me from the first page and did not let go until the last. The fact that Tesch had a gun pointed at me was irrelevant. Gloria Tesch is so talented that the reader believes anything and everything is possible in the Land of Maradonia, providing they have no taste, experience with good literature and live within ten miles of her. The fact that I know her doesn’t affect this judgment at all.
I wonder what excuse for literature this 14 year old author will produce in the coming years.”
Gloria answered and said, as opposed to not saying, “I don’t know what will happen in the coming years, but I work every day… very, very hard, often late in the night, because I is gud writer and I will certainly complete in the coming months (November 2009) my third 800 page novel. Then, I will use it to force the world’s libraries to elect me Queen of the Tesch Empire.
“Maradonia and the Battle for the Key.” (I don’t know why this is written here)
In a recent interview with a newspaper reporter, Gloria showed her story boards and her preliminary overview of her fourth novel. Because all novels have storyboards:
“Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra,” and her fifth novel:
“Maradonia and the Curse of the Underworld,” and she said,
“I have a pretty clear concept for at least nine books of the Maradonia Saga.”
Many of her readers know…a new book by Gloria Tesch means only one thing:
The reader is in for a treat. Because they want death.”
Few things to note
“Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra,” and her fifth novel:
“Maradonia and the Curse of the Underworld,” and she said,
“I have a pretty clear concept for at least nine books of the Maradonia Saga.”
Many of her readers know…a new book by Gloria Tesch means only one thing:
The reader is in for a treat. Because they want death.
Few things to note: throat gripping adventure is her term (and it;s a good choice), Gloria is again writing in the third person. She also said a ‘resent’ interview, instead of recent. So, the person interviewing her resents it. Makes sense.
Congrats on the YWLJ.